Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Accidents don't just happen -- they must be carelessly planned.
Friends: the people who stab you in the front.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
If it isn't broken, fix it till it is.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?