Fran Lebowitz

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

One of the first things a kid learns when he gets a drum set for Christmas is that he isn't likely to ever get another one.

An economist wears a watch chain with a Phi Betta Kappa key at one end and no watch at the other.

Spaghetti benefit: You don't have to take your eyes off the book to pick about among it, it's all the same.

A good general rule with wine is to state that the bouquet is better than the taste, and vice versa.

Mona Lisa cocktail: two of them and you can't get that silly grin off your face.

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between 45 and 50. By this time the boy ought to have attained full growth and, provided he is ever going to, ought to know more or less what he wants to make of himself in life.

If you want to cure your dog's bad breath, just pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.


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