Never write when you can speak. Never speak when you can nod.
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of at!'
The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper pictures of the garbage.
When I die, I hope it's in a meeting. The transition from life to death will be barely perceptible.
If you don't wash your hands, it gives the burgers more flavor.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
I refuse to visit any beach not personally guarded by David Hasselhoff.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.