Franklin P. Jones

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of at!'

George Carlin

The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper pictures of the garbage.

When I die, I hope it's in a meeting. The transition from life to death will be barely perceptible.

If you don't wash your hands, it gives the burgers more flavor.

Dave Barry

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

I refuse to visit any beach not personally guarded by David Hasselhoff.

Johnny Carson

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

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