I went on a 45-day diet. It's going great. I've already lost 30 days.
Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
There's nothing better than contagious laughter.
Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the home.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
Comedy is acting out optimism.
I am odd-looking. Sometimes I think I look like a Muppet.
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy toook the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
I'm always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.