I went on a 45-day diet. It's going great. I've already lost 30 days.

Jennifer Aniston

There's nothing better than contagious laughter.

Dennis Miller

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the home.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Angelina Jolie

I am odd-looking. Sometimes I think I look like a Muppet.

David Letterman

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy toook the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

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