Live so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere, but can think of nothing to do when it gets there.

With Congress, everytime they make a joke it's a law, and everytime they make a law it's a joke.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Everything is funny, as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Congressional investigations are for the benefit of photographers.

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